Patrick Jay Sullivan's Blog

I think that summer is the best time of the year. The world returns to life after the dead and cold of winter. Somehow there is a transition and people relax more. Fuel bills go down and there is a little breathing room. The birds are singing and raising their young and kids are out playing. There is nothing like the sound of kids our playing as sort of a background noise. In the winter there is silence. And don't get me wrong, a little of that is good when its time is here. But in the summer, I am sick of winter and I just want that burst of life back. Life just seems more complete. I can go out walking in short sleeves and shorts and just meander. There is no hurry. My thoughts to wander where they may as I walk along.

I was just listening to Me and Mrs. Jones. There's an old song. I remember it because I was young and becoming aware of my sexual side. There was some movie about a woman having an affair with a young man and the theme song was "The Summer Wind" and I believe Frank Sinatra sang it. Of course, in the sixties, the whole sexual revolution was just starting up. Believe me when I say we missed out on that in the Dakotas. I went to a big high school and most of us graduated as virgins. I do remember being a bit ashamed of that but it wasn't like I knew how to just go out and get that one taken care of or anything. I laugh thinking back on it now. High school is a tough time for kids. Still, I am glad I grew up when I did. I think these kids now days have a lot more pressures and are sexually active very young. This brings with it the risk of many STD's and a lot of other problems. I guess my being so innocent was not such a terrible thing after all. But kids today don't just have it tough for those reasons. They have inheirited a mess as far as the world and the planet go. How would you like to be starting college in this economy? What about those graduating? When I finished up jobs were so tough to get. I had to work as a custodian for a year or so and moonlight as a waiter at night. It was hard. Now, I don't know what kind of jobs are out there. I couldn't even get a summer job at WalMart this summer. That is a scary thing. But I suppose that youthful optimism and the work ethic they have will help to get them through. I am hoping and praying that they will have a simliar experience to what my generation had. I am hoping that things bounce back and that life will be good for all of us again. I don't pretend to know a lot about the generation in high school now or the ones coming up. I spend most of my time just trying to live my life and do what I need to do. I enjoy the day to day stuff. I enjoy the summer off and time to just be me. I hate being on a tight budget but it must be so if I am to survive. In the end, that is what it is all about. We must survive and do well. We must build our own happiness. I don't know why I am thinking about the past this Memorial Day weekend, but I am. I am thinking about parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles even a sister who went before me. I am remembering them all.

There's a funny thing about life, you sometimes want something so badly and when you get it, you realize that the wanting of it was much more satisfying that the receiving of it. I wanted to get out more and to have more spontanaeity in my life like I did when I lived in Minneapolis. So I joined a bowling league and bowled this year from September until the end of April. The funny thing is that the experience, while a good one, helped me to see that I am not the same person that I was when I was in my early 3o's in Minneapolis. Getting home at eleven at night was hard on me physically and emotionally. The long months in the league ended up giving me something and taking away something as well.
When I was young I often wished that one day I would be out on my own and free of my parents. I always thought of the great day when I would make all of my decisions on my own and not have to deal with being over ruled or counseled out of things. I lost my mother fourteen years ago and I lost my dad two years ago. I can tell you this much. More than anything in the world I wish I could go back and be that young guy and have those two wonderful people back in my life counseling me and giving me direction. Sometimes I go through periods of sadness missing the two of them so much. Why the hell did I ever wish for that freedom? Talk about stupidity. I guess the real thing is that I never see what the outcome of my wishes would be. Fortunately, we seldom get what we wish for in this life. As my mom used to always say "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." In my life my Uncle Frank's version seems to be more appropriate or representative. He used to always say: "Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first."