Almost everyone has moments of sadness in their life. Some people are susceptible to the diminishing light each autumn and succumb to sadness. Some individuals lose a friend or a parent to death and the loss launches them into a period of loss and separation. At times, the loss of a parent is so devastating that the pain is almost visceral and this stays with us a long time. But inevitably we recognize that the mother or father we love so much would never want to see us in pain like that and would want us to pick up the pieces and go on. All of these are reasons for sadness in life and this is a normal part of life. But what happens when a person wakes up one day and they are suddenly in such a deep state of sadness that all their energy must go to just getting through the day? What I am talking about is depression. I think that sometimes, in middle age, a person can wake up and realize that life is slipping by and he or she has made mistakes, lost good people or jobs or both along the way and it can seem like nothing will ever be the same. In my case there were so many factors that it became impossible to figure out what was wrong. The economy had tanked and I was watching the country going into a nose dive. The state I live in lost over 60,000 jobs and all of the tax revenue and the loss of hundreds of corporations have altered the course of the future for the state and for all of us who live here for the rest of our lifetimes. At the same time, the prolonged absence of my beloved father in my life seemed to hammer me and the loss became so great I couldn’t bear it. I lost the wonderful cat, Sarge, that I had as a companion for 16 years or so and he had been my best friend. I realized that I was overweight and a nobody. I had at least looked good in my younger years and was well liked amongst my circle of friends. And there were many other things that seemed to converge on me at the same time. A fairly serious and private event launched me into a severe depression in early May of that year, last year. I would come home and cry and listen to a sad song over and over for hours. I would go walking and just exist in a state of perpetual sadness. I felt unloved and unlovable. All I am sure of is that it has subsided right now and that several friends and family members helped me through this. But the one thing that helped more than ever was my friend, Andrea, who seemed to recognize that something was wrong and got me to talk about it. Coming out to her helped me to be able to discuss everything in my life and made me realize that a big part of this is the shame over being gay. I went to see a psychologist named Irwin and he helped a lot. He really helped me to see that there were multiple things going on and that I had to deal with the shame issue first and accept myself and love myself for who I really am and not who I would rather be. Until that happened, I couldn’t really deal with the rest of what was wrong. It would be like putting a band aid on a blister when the real problem was a raging fever. So one by one we worked on the issues. I was disappointed that we did not really get into the grief issues, but I recognized that by that time, I was going to be OK and I was no longer contemplating suicide. I knew that I could handle those issues and my work was cut out for me. I am lucky that I had Andrea, my good neighbors, my sister Mary and her husband, my brother Steve and his wife, Bernadette. All of these people helped me to get through a really rough time in my life and I am a better person for it right now. But from here on in, when I hear of someone suffering from depression, I have a keen sense of what is going on and there is a little uneasiness. In the back of my mind a little voice reminds me that no one knows when the cloud will descend. It is not a fault. It doesn’t mean an individual is weak or less than. I want to believe that this will never happen to me again but I have to take things one day at a time and work on making myself the best person that I can be. I don’t want to be an old man in a rest home. Like all people in middle age, I face the fact that I do not want to grow old. I love life so much. So in the end, I have to just live and enjoy the day to day moments. That is better than worrying and focusing on the dark side of life. Diet and exercise are a big part of being healthy in body and mind. They are essentials says my psychologist. It turns out that keeping the weight off is a part of my therapy. And Mom and Dad, I hope that wherever you are right now, that it is heaven and that your souls are there enjoying eternity waiting for the rest of your children to join you. I hope you can see this new one, Madison. She is a beautiful baby and brings a lot of happiness into our lives. In the end, it is all a circle and one day I will be gone from this world. I hope I shall have made a good mark on it and that my screw ups were not so bad that they diminished my life. It’s that simple in the end.
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