Patrick Jay Sullivan's Blog

Almost everyone has moments of sadness in their life. Some people are susceptible to the diminishing light each autumn and succumb to sadness. Some individuals lose a friend or a parent to death and the loss launches them into a period of loss and separation. At times, the loss of a parent is so devastating that the pain is almost visceral and this stays with us a long time. But inevitably we recognize that the mother or father we love so much would never want to see us in pain like that and would want us to pick up the pieces and go on. All of these are reasons for sadness in life and this is a normal part of life. But what happens when a person wakes up one day and they are suddenly in such a deep state of sadness that all their energy must go to just getting through the day? What I am talking about is depression. I think that sometimes, in middle age, a person can wake up and realize that life is slipping by and he or she has made mistakes, lost good people or jobs or both along the way and it can seem like nothing will ever be the same. In my case there were so many factors that it became impossible to figure out what was wrong. The economy had tanked and I was watching the country going into a nose dive. The state I live in lost over 60,000 jobs and all of the tax revenue and the loss of hundreds of corporations have altered the course of the future for the state and for all of us who live here for the rest of our lifetimes. At the same time, the prolonged absence of my beloved father in my life seemed to hammer me and the loss became so great I couldn’t bear it. I lost the wonderful cat, Sarge, that I had as a companion for 16 years or so and he had been my best friend. I realized that I was overweight and a nobody. I had at least looked good in my younger years and was well liked amongst my circle of friends. And there were many other things that seemed to converge on me at the same time. A fairly serious and private event launched me into a severe depression in early May of that year, last year. I would come home and cry and listen to a sad song over and over for hours. I would go walking and just exist in a state of perpetual sadness. I felt unloved and unlovable. All I am sure of is that it has subsided right now and that several friends and family members helped me through this. But the one thing that helped more than ever was my friend, Andrea, who seemed to recognize that something was wrong and got me to talk about it. Coming out to her helped me to be able to discuss everything in my life and made me realize that a big part of this is the shame over being gay. I went to see a psychologist named Irwin and he helped a lot. He really helped me to see that there were multiple things going on and that I had to deal with the shame issue first and accept myself and love myself for who I really am and not who I would rather be. Until that happened, I couldn’t really deal with the rest of what was wrong. It would be like putting a band aid on a blister when the real problem was a raging fever. So one by one we worked on the issues. I was disappointed that we did not really get into the grief issues, but I recognized that by that time, I was going to be OK and I was no longer contemplating suicide. I knew that I could handle those issues and my work was cut out for me. I am lucky that I had Andrea, my good neighbors, my sister Mary and her husband, my brother Steve and his wife, Bernadette. All of these people helped me to get through a really rough time in my life and I am a better person for it right now. But from here on in, when I hear of someone suffering from depression, I have a keen sense of what is going on and there is a little uneasiness. In the back of my mind a little voice reminds me that no one knows when the cloud will descend. It is not a fault. It doesn’t mean an individual is weak or less than. I want to believe that this will never happen to me again but I have to take things one day at a time and work on making myself the best person that I can be. I don’t want to be an old man in a rest home. Like all people in middle age, I face the fact that I do not want to grow old. I love life so much. So in the end, I have to just live and enjoy the day to day moments. That is better than worrying and focusing on the dark side of life. Diet and exercise are a big part of being healthy in body and mind. They are essentials says my psychologist. It turns out that keeping the weight off is a part of my therapy. And Mom and Dad, I hope that wherever you are right now, that it is heaven and that your souls are there enjoying eternity waiting for the rest of your children to join you. I hope you can see this new one, Madison. She is a beautiful baby and brings a lot of happiness into our lives. In the end, it is all a circle and one day I will be gone from this world. I hope I shall have made a good mark on it and that my screw ups were not so bad that they diminished my life. It’s that simple in the end.

Well, it's here again. Valentine's season will fast be upon us and with it comes a variety of surprises. For some people, it is a romantic holiday in which two lovers give each other gifts, spend a romantic evening with each other and culminate in making love. For others, it is a time when you give a card or chocolate to a friend and show them how much you appreciate their friendship. It can also be a time when parents and children tell each other how much they love each other with a card or a phone call. The thing is, Valentine's Day is about love and it really doesn't matter if it is hot raunchy sex or pure filial love between siblings. You can go to both ends of the spectrum and it's not a big deal. What other holiday do you know that is so flexible? I think that all holidays should have that spectrum of celebration. It is the one holiday we get to personalize and we can celebrate it in different ways with different people we know. Variety is the spice of life. Now if we can just get everybody on board with birthday sex we will move another celebration onto two levels at the same time.

If you stop and think about it, life is a series of days strung together and time is an artificial concept to explain a reality. Dali painted Persistance of Memory with the drooping watches set in an imense space. The whole idea that the artists can control a concept and bend it to his or her will was novel at the time. Now we exist in a world of avatars and the younger generation is a collection of images that they present to different people at different times for different purposes. There is no object permanence in one sense. It gives rise to a odd way of looking at spiritual and moral action. I am not so sure that some of these people even have value systems. But yes, there are good people out there. In the end we will still go through the days and come to the end. In the end it will be ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the end, God will exist and we who doubt will be gone from this world. I like that.

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I don’t know when it happened but one day I was looking in the mirror and was stunned to see gray hair and wrinkles looking back. The fact is, at that moment, I saw a middle age man looking back at me. When I was in my 30’s I had a renaissance. I moved to Minneapolis after getting a good job there and I started to really live life. I didn’t have much money but I really worked at having fun and making good friends and doing a great job on my career. In other words, I made the most out of what I had and I was happy. It was awesome. I was still young and good looking and I knew it. Somehow looking in the mirror many years later on that day of epiphany, I knew it was gone. I had hit middle age. It took several years to come to grips with it. I no longer had the same relationships at work that I had before. I was “old” and “out of it.” I also realized that supervisors were starting to see me as an older employee. Not all of that is positive either. But the thing that slowly came to the surface is that as I age I am expected to fit into a certain mold. Part of that mold is that I am no longer considered sexy nor am I considered to be up to date as far as my thinking goes. I am supposed to go into a more conservative and asexual state and eventually be a geezer with the plaid pants half way to my pits. No thank you. One thing that watching the Golden Girls taught me is that when a person gets to middle age and beyond, it is up to him or her to decide what life will be like. True, I cannot change other people’s perceptions but I can refuse to accept what society or others expect me to be or to do.
I think that people who are middle age are still vital and intelligent. I think they have a lot to offer on both personal and professional levels. I don’t know yet if there are other areas where this transition comes up problematic, but I know that it does on those two levels. I hope that the best of life is yet to come. I hope that I can make the most of what I have now and be happy on purpose.

School may be out in Lake Wobegon but here on the east coast it is still on for another week. I think that it is good for students to have summer vacation. There are many people who would like to see school go year round and students have small vacations. I think that it isn't the same as the block of freedom they enjoy now. There is something good about kids being able to get away from their studies and run and swim and hang out with their friends and just be kids. We may not be able to see the benefit but I believe it is more than just relaxation. I think it has a healthy impact on the development of the brain, thought processes and a person's character.

I think that summer is the best time of the year. The world returns to life after the dead and cold of winter. Somehow there is a transition and people relax more. Fuel bills go down and there is a little breathing room. The birds are singing and raising their young and kids are out playing. There is nothing like the sound of kids our playing as sort of a background noise. In the winter there is silence. And don't get me wrong, a little of that is good when its time is here. But in the summer, I am sick of winter and I just want that burst of life back. Life just seems more complete. I can go out walking in short sleeves and shorts and just meander. There is no hurry. My thoughts to wander where they may as I walk along.

I was just listening to Me and Mrs. Jones. There's an old song. I remember it because I was young and becoming aware of my sexual side. There was some movie about a woman having an affair with a young man and the theme song was "The Summer Wind" and I believe Frank Sinatra sang it. Of course, in the sixties, the whole sexual revolution was just starting up. Believe me when I say we missed out on that in the Dakotas. I went to a big high school and most of us graduated as virgins. I do remember being a bit ashamed of that but it wasn't like I knew how to just go out and get that one taken care of or anything. I laugh thinking back on it now. High school is a tough time for kids. Still, I am glad I grew up when I did. I think these kids now days have a lot more pressures and are sexually active very young. This brings with it the risk of many STD's and a lot of other problems. I guess my being so innocent was not such a terrible thing after all. But kids today don't just have it tough for those reasons. They have inheirited a mess as far as the world and the planet go. How would you like to be starting college in this economy? What about those graduating? When I finished up jobs were so tough to get. I had to work as a custodian for a year or so and moonlight as a waiter at night. It was hard. Now, I don't know what kind of jobs are out there. I couldn't even get a summer job at WalMart this summer. That is a scary thing. But I suppose that youthful optimism and the work ethic they have will help to get them through. I am hoping and praying that they will have a simliar experience to what my generation had. I am hoping that things bounce back and that life will be good for all of us again. I don't pretend to know a lot about the generation in high school now or the ones coming up. I spend most of my time just trying to live my life and do what I need to do. I enjoy the day to day stuff. I enjoy the summer off and time to just be me. I hate being on a tight budget but it must be so if I am to survive. In the end, that is what it is all about. We must survive and do well. We must build our own happiness. I don't know why I am thinking about the past this Memorial Day weekend, but I am. I am thinking about parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles even a sister who went before me. I am remembering them all.

There's a funny thing about life, you sometimes want something so badly and when you get it, you realize that the wanting of it was much more satisfying that the receiving of it. I wanted to get out more and to have more spontanaeity in my life like I did when I lived in Minneapolis. So I joined a bowling league and bowled this year from September until the end of April. The funny thing is that the experience, while a good one, helped me to see that I am not the same person that I was when I was in my early 3o's in Minneapolis. Getting home at eleven at night was hard on me physically and emotionally. The long months in the league ended up giving me something and taking away something as well.
When I was young I often wished that one day I would be out on my own and free of my parents. I always thought of the great day when I would make all of my decisions on my own and not have to deal with being over ruled or counseled out of things. I lost my mother fourteen years ago and I lost my dad two years ago. I can tell you this much. More than anything in the world I wish I could go back and be that young guy and have those two wonderful people back in my life counseling me and giving me direction. Sometimes I go through periods of sadness missing the two of them so much. Why the hell did I ever wish for that freedom? Talk about stupidity. I guess the real thing is that I never see what the outcome of my wishes would be. Fortunately, we seldom get what we wish for in this life. As my mom used to always say "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." In my life my Uncle Frank's version seems to be more appropriate or representative. He used to always say: "Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first."

I think that spring is a time when hope begins to stir in people’s hearts. I know that many people favor autumn. The thing is, even the beauty of the colored leaves cannot mask the fact that the frost and the cold are on their way and that soon the plants and abundant life of summer outdoors will be dead. Heat bills will rise and we begin this long process of enduring the cold and snow.
We will hit 70 degrees tomorrow. This is the first time since October 16th. There is something about the milder warm weather of the spring and the cool nights that make being outdoors during the day a common occurrence. With all the running around comes the shedding of some of the winter pounds and a lot of peace and comfort that long walks bring. I love to just go and put myself on automatic pilot. I look at houses and trees. I see cardinals flying between the trees. I see the hawks circling over the valley. The buds on the trees are swollen and pregnant with the promise of a leafy summer canopy. The buzz of an insect that hits your upper ear and then shakes it off and goes on its merry way. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I have summers off and that this colors my perception of spring and summer – well, all of the seasons for that matter. I think having July and August free make life seem like it is truly a blessing. That is why after this past week of warmer temperatures and a few nice rainstorms I have felt this stirring of hope inside me and an exuberance has returned that has been missing for about 7 months. Viva spring!